The Mask
by Angel's babe
Summary: Adam deals with Fiona's death, his life as a spy and raising Wes. Suggestions of an Adam/Jennie pairing. Spoilers late season #4, and most of season #5
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: If I owned Spooks, it would be airing on A&E uncut so I could watch it

Author's notes:

1."" Dialogue, '' thoughts

_2. Italics are used for a dream sequence _**bold is used for a flashback**

3.C.O.S. Change of Scenery

4.88888 Change of point of view

Summary: Adam deals with being a father, and a spook after Fiona's death. Suggestions of a Jennie/ Adam pairing

Spoilers: Seasons 4-5

* * *

Title: The Mask

_He thrashed to the ground as the bullet made contact with his body. He felt the blood spread warm across his stomach and chest, and the accompanying blinding pain. It was the pain that kept him conscious, and one of the only things keeping him attached to the physical world._

_The other thing was Wes. Thoughts of his son were the other thing keeping Adam going. Since Fiona died, Wes was the only thing that kept him going. Seeing him after a hard day reminded him why he fought as hard as he did. Wes was a living, breathing reminder of Fiona a piece of her to keep with him and it comforted him. His son loved him unconditionally, and forgave easily, and Adam knew both were priceless in his line of work._

_So he pushed himself up off the ground, and staggered a few steps. He could hear his team calling him but was unable to speak. Eventually, they would realize he was hurt, and follow the trail of blood. He just hoped he wouldn't be dead by then._

_He stopped short, caught up by the pain surging through his body. If he could just rest, all would be okay- if he could just rest, he'd be able to get home to his son. He felt his lids growing heavier by the second, and he found himself unable resist the temptation to close them. He slumped down on the ground sitting with his back up against a building reveling in the warm sun shutting his yes. 'Maybe five minutes' he told himself. _

_As he gave into sleep the last thing he saw was Fiona. She came and sat beside him, stroking the side of his face. Tears sprang to his eyes:_

"_I don't know what to do without you. I don't know how to fight, or if I even want to." All the desperation and grief were in those words._

"_It'll all be alright. Just rest a while." She calmed him pulling his head onto her shoulder._

"_Wes misses you." Adam remarked._

"_He'd miss you more. He was always Daddy's little boy. Every time you were away, he'd ask me everyday when you were coming home. I'd tell him, when he's done making the world safe for you. And he'd grin. When he'd have friends over he'd tell them his dad was making the world safe" Fiona answered. It caused Adam to smile._

"_I don't know what to do without you Fiona. I don't know how to raise Wes by myself." Adam repeated._

"_Who said anything about by yourself? It's unreasonable not to imagine that you won't meet someone else dazzlingly intelligent, incredibly understanding, exotically beautiful and extremely lovable. You will Adam, I know you will." She replied. Adam smiled a second time:_

"_Who knows? You might be right about that." Fiona kissed his cheek._

" _Go home and raise our son. Keep him safe." She replied, and disappeared. _

_Adam passed out, and when he next became aware it was in an alien hospital, with Zaf standing guard by the window in his room. Zaf saw his eyes flicker open, and moved immediately to his friend's side:_

"_You've been shot. We took fire while chasing the terrorists- I was with a different group. By the time we got to you, you'd lost a lot of blood and you were feverish bordering on delirious. I could have sworn I heard you say Fiona's name." Adam gave a sad smile; of course it was a delirium. His Fi was buried in England._

"_I've got to see Wes." His tone was dead, as he swung his legs over the side of the bed. Zaf approached as he saw Adam grimace with the pain._

"_You've got stitches to think about." He motioned to his friend._

"_I need to see my son." Adam replies his tone more insistent._

"_There was internal bleeding; there may be more if you're not careful. You need to stay here for a few days." Zaf quickly explained._

"_I need to see Wes. I promised her; I promised Fiona I'd keep him safe." Adam grew more aggressive. Zaf came close enough to touch his friend's forehead- he was burning up. _

"_Wes doesn't need to see you like this. He's used to his dad being strong, and brave. It would open up to explanations that he's not ready to hear, and you're not ready to say." Zaf tried to convince his friend. Adam paused as if reconsidering and Zaf let out a sigh of relief._

"_I want to see Wes. I promised her. I promised Fiona." Adam wouldn't give up. Zaf pressed the silent call button on the wall above his bed, as Adam stood up. Moments later a nurse came into the room:_

"_Mr. Carter, you need to get back into bed." She insisted._

"_I need to see my son. I want to see Wes."_

_The nurse moved a few steps closer:_

"_You've just gotten out of surgery. You have stitches, not to mention internal bleeding. You should be asleep right now actually." She moved to within touching distance. Zaf gave her a warning glance. She placed a reassuring hand on his arm helping him to move back against his pillows. Adam gave in, fatigue showing on his face._

"_I need to see him. I need to see Wes. I promised her I'd keep him safe." He said, his voice broken. The nurse left the room a few moments and returned carrying an IV vial._

"_It's only liquid Motrin to help the fever" She turned to Zaf who followed her out into the hall._

"_The fever is still awfully high. Your friend may have an infection, which, would mean he'd have to lengthen his stay. Your job is to stop any more displays like this one." _

_Zaf nodded in acknowledgement and the nurse moved back to work. Zaf moved back to Adam's room pulling the visitors chair up so he could place his feet on the side of the bed, and curled up on it. He must have fallen asleep because the next thing he awakened to the sound of beeping monitors, and the sight of his friend thrashing around on the bed._

_He went to the doorway:_

"_Help! My friend's gone into convulsions, I need help." The doctor came, motioning Zaf to leave the room. _

_Adam looked at him desperate as he passed through the door. On some level he knew he was dying, and wanted nothing more than to give in. Unshed tears started pouring down his face as he realized that he was letting everyone who ever put any faith in him down. And he was helpless to stop it. His last thoughts were he'd let everyone down. He'd failed Harry, Fiona, and most of all Wes._

Adam threw the covers off sitting up in bed nervously running his hands over his chest and stomach. All he felt was the scar from where he'd been shot. No blood, no bruises. He sighed in relief; he knew it was a dream, but it felt so real to him. He swung his legs over the side, and made his way downstairs to the kitchen where he got himself a drink.

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She was awakened by the sound of a bed scraping against the wooden floor, and got up to see if it was Wes or Adam. Seeing Wes was safely asleep she moved on downstairs, stopping in the shadows near the kitchen, watching for a while.

She had her suspicions about Adam Carter. It's not that he treated her badly- quite the opposite, he was fast-tracking his way to favourite boss status. It was the feeling that there were two different Adam Carters. One was polite, and formal her boss. The other only showed himself in unguarded moments, when he thought nobody was looking. She'd often catch him with a far-away look in his eyes as if remembering something. Several times, she'd want to ask him what he was thinking about, but thought the better of it. The man standing before her in the kitchen with shaking hands was a troubled soul.

She wavered on the stairs wondering if she should ask him what was wrong. He likely wouldn't tell her; buy her off with some story that it was nothing more than a nightmare. The trouble is, she'd heard him up every night this week and wouldn't buy it. Instead of saying anything, she turned around and began making her way back upstairs.

Jennie didn't make it very far. She cringed as the second stair creaked under her weight. Hearing the sound Adam turned to face the stairs.

"I'm sorry I woke you." He said. She knew right away the mask of calm was in place; this was the formal Adam Carter.

"It's okay. I got up to make sure Wes was alright." She replied.

"I'll get the lock put on the bathroom tomorrow. That won't happen again." He reassured her with a smile. He referred to an incident that morning when he'd mistakenly walked in on her while she was in the shower.

"It's okay. Fine really- no need to go to all the bother." Jennie replied.

"Goodnight then."

"Sweet dreams Adam."

He gave her a half-smile: "Yeah."

And then he was alone in the kitchen

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I can continue it… or it can stand as a one-off. It's up to you my reviewers really.

-A.B.


	2. The Mask Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Much to my annoyance I still don't own Spooks

Summary: See Chapter #1

Author's notes: 1. "" Dialouge, '' thoughts

2. _Italics are used for dream sequences and_** bold is used for a flashback**

3. C.O.S. Change of Scenery

4. 88888: Change of character

Spoiler Alert: Seasons 4, and 5

The Mask: Chapter #2

Adam grimly smiled to himself as he felt his hand pound the alarm clock for at least the fifth time that morning. He didn't want to get up and acknowledge the world outside his bedroom. He just wanted a few blissful hours of oblivion without the dreams.

10 minutes later he heard not only the newsreader on the radio but his mobile ringing. The thought of ignoring the mobile was incredibly tempting- but he knew what price he'd pay for that; eventually there'd people knocking at the door, and then explanations would have to be given. And he wanted to deal with that even less than getting out of bed.

What time was it anyway? He thought to himself, steeling to glance at the offending appliance. The digits read 7:45 am. He cursed: Wes needed to be taken to school, the bathroom door repaired for the nanny. He quickly showered and dressed, grabbing his brief case on the way out of his bedroom.

He forced himself to slow down on the stairs and take a few deep breaths. He would have to face her after his weak moment last night. He should've been quieter; he should never have left his bedroom. But he just couldn't stay there any longer. He would have lain there staring up at the ceiling and thinking of her, and what should have happened. He should have been able to save her. It should be her in the kitchen instead.

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Jennie looked up at the sound of footsteps on the stairs locking gazes with Adam. His flickered for a moment, and she sensed he was unsure. Then the formal mask snapped back into place.

"I'm sorry I didn't get time to buy that lock yesterday. But I will." He assured her, moving towards a travel mug sitting on the breakfast bar. He poured coffee into it, and ruffled Wes' hair.

"All set for school?" He asked him. Wes nodded grinning. He was just happy to be with his dad

"We have to get going." He felt the mobile vibrate and took the call. Jennie watched his expressions: first angry, then frustrated, then resigned. Whatever happened couldn't have been good. He clicked the phone off and walked back into the kitchen: with a worried look on his face:

"I have to be at work, would you mind taking him to school?" She briefly looked at him concerned.

"No, go. We'll be fine." She smiled reassuringly at him. He picked up his briefcase and placing a brief kiss on the top of Wes' head on the way out.

Jennie sipped her coffee and smiled at Wes. The smile disappeared off his face, and he sighed.

"We'll have fun together- we always do." She reassured the boy. She put her coffee cup back on the breakfast bar:

"Get your schoolbag and I'll drop you off. You like school remember?"

Wes mutely nodded in agreement and picked up his schoolbag on the way out the door. Jennie tried again to reconcile the two sides of Adam Carter. He loved his son and was a brilliant father; Wes was a testament to that. He glowed under any bit of his father's attention.

They walked in silence to Wes' school. Seeing he was sad, the teacher glanced puzzlingly at Jennie who shrugged her shoulders:

"His dad had to leave for work early." Wes turned to her with hopeful eyes:

"Will daddy pick me up after school?"

"I don't know honey, he has been working awfully late hours lately." She answered smiling encouragingly:

"Have a good day Wes."

She waved to him, and he waved back. On the way home she made a mental note to ask Adam if he would able to pick Wes up.

* * *

Adam stared out the passenger side window. He kept thinking of Wes, and Jennie. It was unfair of him to bring Jennie into it in the first place- just another person to be careful of, another person to lie to. He knew he had to do it. Logically, worrying about Wes would lead to distractions. Adam knew full well that distractions could cost him his life.

He again thought of Fiona. This never happened when she was alive. Once they had Wes they always arranged so that one of them was always around spending time with him.

"**What did we bring him into?" Fiona asked. From the doorway he saw her stretched out on their bed watching television. Wes was stretched out beside her asleep as she idly stroked her hair. He had no answer for that, merely shrugging his shoulders.**

He still had no idea how to answer that question. The only thing he knew was that he loved Wes, and that as long as he had him- he had a piece of Fiona with him too.

"**Keep him safe. Keep Wes safe." He looked at her through tears, knowing what was about to happen. He'd promised. But the question still came back to him: how?**

…"All I need you to do is wait out here in case he runs." Zaff explained. Adam nodded his response and they got out of the car. Zaff entered the warehouse, with Adam stationing himself outside.

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"I told you, I can't tell you anything else, now leave me alone." Omar told Zaf, his voice full of fear

"Please just tell us where your brother and his friends are, then I'll leave alone." Zaf answered, his voice calm.

"The only one I know is Sharif, and he's living on a boat." Omar's voice was desperate. Omar suddenly pushed past Zaf to the back door of the warehouse and started running. Zaf wondered why he would run then noticed Adam's shadow extending past the doorway.

"We need backup at the warehouse- he's a runner." Zaf called to the team. Adam was off and running before Zaf could say a word to him, leaving him no choice but to follow. He stopped as he lost sight of Adam.

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Adam was lost in a world of his own; the only single thing grounding him was the feeling of his feet pounding the pavement as he chased his quarry. He ran twisting and turning through London streets paying no attention to where he was going. He heard footsteps behind him and stopped nervously glancing around for a gunman. As he turned around, a punch caught him unaware in the face.

He was ready and blocked the next one, catching the man's arm and twisting it around behind him. He felt a jerk as his quarry tried to retrieve his captive arm.

"If I were you, I wouldn't try anything. I'll be forced to squeeze and that will break your arm." Adam threatened.

"Adam," he looked away from the man he held surprised to see Zaf. The man took advantage of the distraction and ran. Adam took off after him not giving Zaf another thought.

"ADAM!" Zaf shouted after his friend, hoping to get him to stop. Adam was too far away to hear, too lost in his thoughts; that it was his mistake that allowed the man to get away, and he had to catch him.

Zaf stood there until Adam disappeared from sight.

"We've lost Alpha One. Repeat: We've lost Adam." He radioed in shaking his head. He didn't know what got into his friend.

* * *

His answer came hours later at Thames house when Adam arrived for debriefing.

"Adam, are you okay?" Jo asked him, genuinely concerned. He shrugged his shoulders:

"I'm fine. Why?" Zaf and Harry entered the conference room signaling the start, before Jo had a chance to say anymore.

"Anybody want to tell me what happened out there?" Harry asked the assembled group.

"Adam and I met my contact. He stood guard outside while I spoke with the man. My contact ran. Adam took off after him." Zaf began explained. Harry nodded his acknowledgement and spoke:

"He wasn't the main priority Adam. The main priority was to get information he had on his brother." The implication of blame was unspoken.

"I thought one less of them would be a good thing." Adam muttered. Jo raised an eyebrow in response. The meeting went on as usual and Harry asked Adam accompany him back to his office. Neither man spoke until the door closed behind them. Harry took his time settling himself in the leather chair behind his desk while Adam sat down on the sofa.

"How are you Adam?" Harry asked, letting his concern show for his officer.

"I'm fine." Adam responded his jaw set as if daring Harry to say otherwise. Harry let the conversation fade to silence and carefully observed his officer noting the look of relief flood his features.

"How are things at home?" Harry asked refusing to give up. Adam's posture changed to one of defeat and he looked down at his shoes and the carpet and back up at Harry:

"Fine. I've hired a nanny to help me with Wes and have started spending more time with him." He failed to add that he didn't know if he could do his job anymore or even wanted it.

Harry had become hypersensitive to officers in distress after Tom left, and recognized the signs even though Adam was careful not to put any out. He came out from behind his desk and sat beside Adam putting his arm around him:

"I want you to take a few days off. Spend some time with Wes, and maybe see a doctor."

"You need me here," came his feeble response. Life outside Thames house meant facing reality without Fiona. It meant actually having time to think about events surrounding her death, and what to do next.

"Don't force me to make it an order." Harry responded. Adam consented with a slight nod and left the office.

* * *

When he arrived at his flat he heard water running and humming from the kitchen. He allowed himself to imagine it were Fiona, and pictured himself sneaking up behind her and slipping his arms around her. He set his keys down on the side table by the door and continued into the flat, and the humming stopped.

"I was done early and the boss gave me the rest of the day off." He told her with a sheepish smile.

"Oh, you can pick up Wes from school then." Jennie replied. His smile was more genuine thinking of Wes causing Jennie to smile as well.

"What happened- defend a lady's honour?" she asked wryly indicating his two black eyes.

"No." He smiled as he reached into the freezer for an ice pack.

"Get hit by a couple of angry doors?" She asked a half-smile on her face.

"Something like that." He replied his expression sobering. She instantly knew to stop asking questions, she wouldn't get any answers. He sunk into the sofa cushions, closed his eyes placing his icepack on his face. She went back to cleaning up the kitchen and soon heard soft snores.

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She looked up at the clock on her bedroom wall noticing the time nearing 3:30. She silently crept downstairs, noticing Adam asleep on the couch where she left him. She reached for the afghan hanging on the back of the chair and spread it over him. Just as she let go he stirred, one hand grasping tightly to her wrist. He opened one eye:

"Don't sneak up on me like that again." He menacingly told her. He opened his other eye and met her shocked gaze.

"I-I'm sorry Jennie." He immediately apologized for his threat and let the wrist go. She broke eye contact and stood awkwardly looking down at the floor absently rubbing her wrist:

"It's okay. You're right. I shouldn't have snuck up on you like that." He moved to sit upright on the sofa, and she sat down beside him, not knowing what else to do.

She looked everywhere in the room accept at him. She didn't know what to make of the sudden brutality of what happened. It was another sign there was something wrong. She heard his mouth open and close as if to say something, but was interrupted by the sound of his mobile. He rose from the couch:

"Don't go anywhere please. I need to talk to you." He sounded defeated as he walked away and moved toward an end of the room where she couldn't hear him.

"I'll be there in 20 minutes." He ended the call and stayed standing to face her, his expression determined.

"I'm not a computer programmer. I'm an MI-5 operative. I was hurt chasing a suspect this morning."

He watched as her expression went from confusion to anger and finally settled on hurt.

"Why are you telling me this?" She asked.

"You need to know. My work is dangerous and I need you to know the truth." He explained.

She read the hidden meaning in his statement.

"Does Wes know?" She asked. He looked as if she hit him. She took that as a no.

"He's too young. I want him to be a child as long as possible Jennie. He just lost his mother."

"Was she an agent too?" She asked.

"Yes." Adam told her. He took a deep breath wanting to delay further talking about Fiona.

"I need to go. Will you be here when I get back?" She silently nodded. He grabbed his keys from the counter and left. She stood for a moment gathering herself and followed. She had to pick Wes up from school.

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If you want more, review.

-AB


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